April 22 by The Running Son
I’m depressed as hell. It comes and goes, but depression is a damn critical taskmaster. Since yesterday, I have began and trashed at least 5 posts trying to explain, get my mind around, overcome, solve, be understood and blah blah and goddamnit to hell!
I’m getting backed up in the meantime. I have notes on no less than 9 post ideas. I’ve promised I would comment on this or write on that and right now I can barely put a letter down.
I reread the last 2 weeks of articles last night. I concluded I’ve done a lot of trying this and trying that. A human interest article here, an over-crafted opinion there. None of it ever seemed like a good fit.
My difficulty seems to sit at the base of two competing trends. To reveal or conceal?
On the one hand, I received and took to heart this criticism from a long time friend:
“Another suggestion I would make is to try to take the “I” out of your alphabet as much as possible when you write on your blog. For example, why was it necessary to add the apologetic explanation after “Darker Shade of Red”? Why not just post the poem and then let the words speak for themselves? Why put a “Kick Me” sign on your own back after sharing a thoughtful, well-crafted poem like that one?”
I understand. I do. I immediately went in and cleaned up the poem. I mean, god forbid I allow insecurity to leak through, right?
Then yesterday I had wonderful exchange with writingsofamrs aka Jennifer. It was all about concealing ourselves and blog identity, risk, vulnerability, being human and all that.
I understand. I do. Problem is, when I am depressed there is NO possible way for me to seal out insecurity. The attempt alone leaves my writing over-adjusted… like plastic surgery gone wrong. I see that shit and I want to send everything I’ve ever written straight to naughty-post HELL.
When I’m feeling better, the world seems like it’s all strawberries and orgasms. I can bang out a poem or a post easy breezy. But when I feel like I do now, I withdraw… been doing it my whole life. I have backed away from the people I love and care for behind similar feelings.
This morning I feel broken. Tonight though, I may be soaring high above all this, curing all my ills and all the ills of the world with a blink and a thought.
Because I’m Bi-polar? Maybe hell I don’t fucking know.
What I want to do is smile for now, cry later. Instead what I am GOING to do is click “publish”.
pffff I know