Smile now, Cry later

23

April 22 by The Running Son

I’m depressed as hell. It comes and goes, but depression is a damn critical taskmaster. Since yesterday, I have began and trashed at least 5 posts trying to explain, get my mind around, overcome, solve, be understood and blah blah and goddamnit to hell!

I’m getting backed up in the meantime. I have notes on no less than 9 post ideas. I’ve promised I would comment on this or write on that and right now I can barely put a letter down.

I reread the last 2 weeks of articles last night. I concluded I’ve done a lot of trying this and trying that. A human interest article here, an over-crafted opinion there. None of it ever seemed like a good fit.

My difficulty seems to sit at the base of two competing trends. To reveal or conceal?

On the one hand, I received and took to heart this criticism from a long time friend:

“Another suggestion I would make is to try to take the “I” out of your alphabet as much as possible when you write on your blog. For example, why was it necessary to add the apologetic explanation after “Darker Shade of Red”?  Why not just post the poem and then let the words speak for themselves? Why put a “Kick Me” sign on your own back after sharing a thoughtful, well-crafted poem like that one?”

I understand. I do. I immediately went in and cleaned up the poem. I mean, god forbid I allow insecurity to leak through, right?

Then yesterday I had wonderful exchange with writingsofamrs aka Jennifer. It was all about concealing ourselves and blog identity, risk, vulnerability, being human and all that.

I understand. I do. Problem is, when I am depressed there is NO possible way for me to seal out insecurity. The attempt alone leaves my writing over-adjusted… like plastic surgery gone wrong. I see that shit and I want to send everything I’ve ever written straight to naughty-post HELL.

When I’m feeling better, the world seems like it’s all strawberries and orgasms. I can bang out a poem or a post easy breezy. But when I feel like I do now, I withdraw… been doing it my whole life. I have backed away from the people I love and care for behind similar feelings.

This morning I feel broken. Tonight though, I may be soaring high above all this, curing all my ills and all the ills of the world with a blink and a thought.

Because I’m Bi-polar? Maybe hell I don’t fucking know.

What I want to do is smile for now, cry later. Instead what I am GOING to do is click “publish”.

Jim

.

END

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The Running Father Blog

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pffff I know

23 thoughts on “Smile now, Cry later

  1. Sky Vani says:

    I always feel that way Jim, when I start thinking about my writing. “Take the “I” out of your alphabet”, maybe I would do that in Serbian but I don’t know how to do that in English. And lot of things too… I am so far from good, but I’m still doing insane thing – writing in foreign language. That makes me happy most of the time. But sometimes, I feel just as you did while you were writing this. So, you are not alone. I’m sure that everyone of us has those moments. Thanks for posting. Keep on shining!

  2. Yoshiko says:

    Jim, I emphathize with your depression. Unknowingly, the doctor detected depression in me last year. Now, I feel better from it.

  3. B says:

    Jim – I appreciate that entry like, well ya, I can’t even describe with words. Being authentic is challenging. Know that vulnerability is a sign of strength, never weakness.

    • Thanks man, seriously. And I do know that… it’s about feeling it when things get dark…in the sense of depression. In times like that, I can say the words easy enough, out loud even, but they ring hollow in my ears. Like they did this morning. Again, thanks B!

  4. Jim, I have no advice about your writing because I see nothing wrong with it. I like your style and that you often carry your heart on your sleeve. I think my inner critic is possibly stronger than yours. When I started blogging I was sure no one would read it and that I was writing only for myself. But surprisingly enough the blog started an avalanche in my life or maybe the avalanche was already there just waiting to happen. For now the changes are more internal than external but I hope some realization will follow. It is incredibly healing to put your ideas and feelings out there, isn’t it? I am an incredibly (excessively?) private person myself, but I admire you for sharing what you shared today.

    • Wow. That hit home Monica. You may not realize the frame of mind I was in after watching The Fountain and DJango. Ideas and interconnections. I mean, I was 400 words deep into an exploratory post about them and BAM. I hit a wall. I think it’s all related. I take things sooo seriously. The Fountain made me cry I wanted to hold on to it’s message so intensely. I don’t think I realized what it stirred up– the potential unity we as people are capable of experiencing, the love! It was too much. I hope that made sense and thanks beyond words.

      • Sensitivity is a rare gift so cherish it.
        Glad I helped if only a little bit.
        Aah, blogging can be so heartwarming.

        • Monica I will. I swear I will.
          I suspect sensitivity is more common than I realize. It’s when sensitivity is candid, brave… I think that’s the rarity.
          You ever noticed that sensitivity and insensitivity often exist side-by-side in people?
          I’m off to take my dog Buster for a walk. The air is clear and I can see for 30 miles. When I get back, I’ll see if my sight has cleared up in other respects. 😉

  5. Good for you on clicking post.
    It’s freeing to get yourself out there.
    No harm no foul. I think many people will relate to this very real post and very real emotion.
    Todays a new day, time to blink!…. or maybe wink 😉
    Jennifer

    • 😉 and a smile. Charlie Sheen said once “I blinked and I cured my brain”. I gave it the ole college try, but I e3nded up merely lubricating my eyes. 😉

  6. I wrote some time ago: I’ve discovered this last year, accepting our imperfections is a lot more difficult than striving for perfection. Great thing is…we don’t have to be perfect. We give the best of ourselves and that is always enough. And; when we don’t give the best of ourselves, we learn. It’s always a win-win. Hugs to ya.

  7. Jim, your blog is your space. Your truth. Your everything. Sure, I love it when people connect with a post I write, but I often write posts just for me, and I don’t care whether anyone reads them, likes them, or cares.

    If that helps at all.

    • Thanks Andra. very true. Brings to mind the difference between simple and easy. Wanna quit smoking crack? put down the pipe. Simple. In reality sobriety is a life-long daily grind and nothing easy about it. Self -censure is a disease I caught. A lot of things were not OK to talk about out loud in my family. This post might be my best attempt yet to fight that constriction and inhumanity. Thanks again Andra -jim

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RFB editor Jim Aldrich, Joshua Tree CA 2013

RunningSon aka Jim Aldrich, Joshua Tree CA 2013 | This site is dedicated with the deepest gratitude to Dr. Cláudio Naranjo, whose writings gave me life.

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