April 23 by The Running Son
Time to lay it on the table.
Around 2004 I was diagnosed Bi-Polar Disorder and PTSD.I have been off medication since August of last year.
I don’t know if I agree with my professional diagnosis, but a rose, by any other name… know what I mean? Like, call it what you want, but when it’s 3 am and I’m lonely, and I have a black wind blowing in my ears and everything feels meaningless, I don’t give a shit what it’s called.
Late December I got Twitter. By early January I was more aware than I ever wanted to be how many desperate souls there are out there tweeting into the silence.
“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” ― Henry David Thoreau
That depressed me so bad I can’t explain. I mean, all these goddamn people and so much pain. No direction or hope. What…put on a big smile and quote greeting card affirmations??? I’d see myself in hell first, especially since I already felt I’d visited there.
And me, off my medication, Having just sent my girlfriend whom I love off to take care of business back east, I couldn’t take it. It was too much. I got by day by day on white knuckles, angst, and membrane thin hope.
Somehow I made it to February, then went into action. I created the RFB, and made a home. I surrounded myself with the authors and subjects that promised deliverance from an incomprehensible fatalism.
Jump to the present. Yesterday I was in a bad way as some of you know. But you know what? With the kindness of fellow bloggers like Jennifer (writingsofamrs), I was in a whole new place by evening.
I could hold all that struggle in, or when I’m in pain, write…in pain. Let it happen.
Thank you to everyone, and I mean this, that has been here, followed and supported me. You may not realize you were Angels unaware.