Not a poem.


July 5 by The Running Son

This is not a poem. This a a desperate man out of options.

I may have just sabotaged the best thing that has happened to me, and I despair.

In the last few days I have professed my love, and promised to marry someone, both new experiences for me, a 44 year old.

She smiled, and I jumped in the air, and we were off. But the future… we avoided specifics when we talked. We avoided promises that we weren’t able to fulfill yet.

I mean, I am a guy in a desert, trying to get home to begin my new life and future. I have no job, no career, no savings and as of 6 months ago, little hope. In March of this year I began a blog. In April, God showed, me through a strong life-experience, how to love myself.

Then, being ready, God himself brought me a girl.

And I have not doubted her a moment. She met me when I was most healthy, most alive and full and giving, and the connection was intense. And she accepted me. She loves me.

But I am intense. I can burn with my words, and cause upset.

Last night I decided to take a playful challenge to an “intense” place, and brought the full weight of my psychological background and the force of my intuition into focus, like a weapon. I dont know what i wanted, anymore. Maybe for her to see that I have the ability to kill beauty. To see that God had created in me, and had transformed my great and terrible ability to hate, by a biological alchemy,

into pure refined love. It all backfired, and now I fear I have destroyed something god made, living. Destroyed beauty that was entrusted, for a few months, to me.

If I lose her, I have no heart for blogging or writing. If I have done this terrible thing, truly… I do not see another easy forgiveness for myself.


want me
I have seen
four decades whole,
forty years
of gravity to ground.
My hair
falls out and
at my feet you lay too now,
soft, lost
among the old
decades of abuse
and loosing
my humanness
and wielding tools
for the hands

of fools.

Even now, after my cruelty, a cannot say her name directly, from respect. I would scream it had she allowed me.

I’ll wait now by my PC. Coudn’t give a fuck about the rest. I love her so much I am physically sick







19 thoughts on “Not a poem.

  1. You have friends, Jim.

  2. 1WriteWay says:

    Jim, my heart breaks for you, but I have hope that this is just another developing stage of your relationship. I am no stranger to saying and doing things that I sorely regretted later. I have unintentionally hurt my husband many times. Often I just thought I was being clever with words. Sometimes I was just clueless. And yet he stayed. We got past those painful moments. We learned to compromise: for me to be more sensitive to his feelings and for him to not take everything I say so seriously (and, actually, the compromise goes the other way as well since I’m also very sensitive). Communication is key. It is everything. Keep those lines open. As painful as this experience is, your relationship will be stronger for it. Bless you. Hugz.

    • Marie it is good to see your comment. The lines have been cut, for the weekend. The things I said, unforgivable when I recall them. I have a faith in her I cannot account for, but she has been hurt, and I did it to her and i cant take it back now. Hurts so bad. I am very confused, and I am willing myself to continue writing and keep my blog open and be real, and fuck the consequences. Every other impulse wants to go comatose. I may be as romantically intense as they come I donno but this…this is too much. I was *supposed* to have written part 11 of the Endless road poem by last night. hah! 11=twin primes… this was going to be a special episode for me/us man o man…

      • 1WriteWay says:

        I think as long as she knows you regret what you said, then she will eventually come around. But she will have to do it in her own time, and you have to rise above it. To quit writing, to quit being would resolve nothing. And when she’s ready to forgive you, where will you be if you quit? Would she even be able to find you again? I don’t mean literally. If your heart stops, she will no longer hear it. She will lose her compass.

        If she reads your blog and if she reads the comments, I hope she will find comfort in reading that as deep and painful as the cut was, it will heal and it will heal faster once she can forgive you and embrace you again. It’s an old worn phrase that we always hurt the one we love, but the reason it’s old and worn is because it is true. If I left my husband the first time he broke my heart, we would not be together now and I would be lost. Somehow the pain we caused each other brought us closer. It’s a humbling experience to know how much you can hurt someone you love.

  3. Geo Sans says:

    take care jim



    time will tell

    if she truly accepts all

    of you


    be patient, strong, active

    keep doing things you love

    a huge part of loving others

    is taking care, loving yourself






    in yourself


    your ability

    to love



  4. Jim I believe she knows how you feel. Trust in all you have experienced with her and believe that love always sees and knows. How else could you be where you are right now? Don’t lose faith in all you have shared believe! I am praying for you and her!

    • ty Michelle. And for the prayers. You made an interesting point, because I am not sure where I am. These things bring with them strange kinds of growth, and I am in uncharted waters.

      • I don’t know if you are like me in this love area or not. But I have never loved someone before or risked with someone! When I did…I found like a fish out of water. All my emotions were raw and I said and did the dumbest things to me that later I said, OMG am I insane? When you risk with someone and open your heart to them you are venerable which is a great area for growth but…that silent time nearly kills ya. I know. I want to like jump off a bridge because I bared my soul and yikes what if??? The scariest thing I have ever done I am 48 so waiting till I am older is scary! Plus realizing that all the other things I thought were love were not love at all.
        I could go on in my stupidity all night, but know this ok you know all those times you knew you were reaching her heart? Ya those times when she responded and blew you out of the water? And you got that excited feeling because OMG could THIS really be love? Because I want to slap someone it feels so good. [Sorry that is me] You have to believe that you reached her and THAT is what you hang on to. You’ll hear from her! It’s ok I promise. Just believe!

        • yes. I hope that is true. I hope so. The dust has settled, and I have done damage that may take a year to resolve. I’m getting ready for a very long recovery.

          • I don’t think it will take that long! I really don’t. People process things differently and some take a while to come around but I’ve never known a person that did not respond positively when you bare your soul. I want you to think of all you shared up to the point that you did/said whatever it was that you think caused a change. OK so all of that was real, it was I witnessed it the transformation of one that was falling completely in love with someone and it is beautiful. Love always wins it does. I know this is going to be hard but give yourself a break! You need a break! She’s not going anywhere and I can promise you this that you are on her mind right this very second! That’s how love is you can’t stop thinking about that person no matter how hard you try. I pray for peace for you in your mind and soul and also for her. I pray that she see the truth in your love, let go of the things that don’t need to stay and find her way back to you! She will! I just know it.

            • ty again. All true. And all this will make more sense, after sleep, and some time. I have faith in this girl. Good to see you michelle.. been awhile.

            • Yes it sure has I work a lot. Sleep is a good thing! Everything always looks better in the morning. NOTE to self. Take it from one that spills out all over the place…it’s ok! It really is ok to spill out! I am headed to bed but you remember to always believe in the love of your heart and your love for her and I KNOW it will all work out even better then you imagined. Sleep well!

  5. Jim, I hope she will be able to process it all, given time. I’m on pins and needles with you.

  6. Jeni Johnson says:

    I’m forcing words to describe the feelings I related from reading your post. I admire your openness to the World and if the Woman you love can not see past the intensity of how you absorb the world and how life is reflected upon you…. She is part of a past, beautiful and burdened and you’ll continue to delve with poetic grace and personal conflicts. I am that person….

    • When things seem bleak and no future details can be seen, it is nice to hear just that fact, true of lost love beyond time or culture.

      This girl…she is something special though. I am not ugly or desperate…it not that at all, but she is… man I dont even know. I love her./

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RFB editor Jim Aldrich, Joshua Tree CA 2013

RunningSon aka Jim Aldrich, Joshua Tree CA 2013 | This site is dedicated with the deepest gratitude to Dr. Cláudio Naranjo, whose writings gave me life.

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