July 5 by The Running Son
This is not a poem. This a a desperate man out of options.
I may have just sabotaged the best thing that has happened to me, and I despair.
In the last few days I have professed my love, and promised to marry someone, both new experiences for me, a 44 year old.
She smiled, and I jumped in the air, and we were off. But the future… we avoided specifics when we talked. We avoided promises that we weren’t able to fulfill yet.
I mean, I am a guy in a desert, trying to get home to begin my new life and future. I have no job, no career, no savings and as of 6 months ago, little hope. In March of this year I began a blog. In April, God showed, me through a strong life-experience, how to love myself.
Then, being ready, God himself brought me a girl.
And I have not doubted her a moment. She met me when I was most healthy, most alive and full and giving, and the connection was intense. And she accepted me. She loves me.
But I am intense. I can burn with my words, and cause upset.
Last night I decided to take a playful challenge to an “intense” place, and brought the full weight of my psychological background and the force of my intuition into focus, like a weapon. I dont know what i wanted, anymore. Maybe for her to see that I have the ability to kill beauty. To see that God had created in me, and had transformed my great and terrible ability to hate, by a biological alchemy,
into pure refined love. It all backfired, and now I fear I have destroyed something god made, living. Destroyed beauty that was entrusted, for a few months, to me.
If I lose her, I have no heart for blogging or writing. If I have done this terrible thing, truly… I do not see another easy forgiveness for myself.
I have seen
four decades whole,
of gravity to ground.
falls out and
at my feet you lay too now,
among the old
decades of abuse
and wielding tools
for the hands
Even now, after my cruelty, a cannot say her name directly, from respect. I would scream it had she allowed me.
I’ll wait now by my PC. Coudn’t give a fuck about the rest. I love her so much I am physically sick